Urinals and Pay-As-You-Go Elevators (Or “Pee and Pay”)
Thursday, May 23, 2019
by: By David Osborn

Section: News

Ladies, you can skip the first part of this column as it really doesn’t relate to you. Honest, it doesn’t. It’s all potty talk. GUY potty talk.
(Before we get to this month’s column, I want to acknowledge that I first saw the below issue which raised my questions about 20 years ago which was LONG before any of the present-day’s “All Gender” restrooms. So, no, I don’t believe this issue can be explained away by that. Read on.)
Guys, have you ever walked into a single-user men’s restroom that has BOTH a toilet AND a urinal? I have run into them (figuratively and literally!) countless times. To be clear, I emphasize that there is no toilet stall and no privacy divider around the urinal; just a fully visible free-standing toilet and a nearby but completely separate urinal. (I won’t mention any of the OTHER very cool amenities that every guy knows we have in men’s rooms that our lady friends have NO IDEA that we have - wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean?)
Now that we are on the same page, has the thought occurred to you as to why in Heaven’s name there are TWO fixtures for relieving oneself when obviously you can use only ONE at a time? Further, the toilet is perfectly sufficient for being able to take care of either doing duty #1 OR #2. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the choice which is often (but not always) offered in said restrooms of being able to use either paper towels OR the blow dryer OR your pants legs (just kidding) to dry your hands after washing. But I have yet to see a private residence where BOTH a toilet AND a urinal are installed in the same home bathroom, so obviously it’s common knowledge that a guy can indeed use a sit-down toilet for either #1 OR #2. I’d love to hear from anybody who can provide a logical explanation for the nonsensical men’s room combo addressed here.
(Welcome back, Ladies.) On another matter and very relevant to any property manager who is eager to reduce operating expenses (or curiously referred to as “oPx” as it is known at my company which is neither an acronym nor an initialism…), I offer the brilliant idea of implementing pay-as-you-go (“PAY Go” for short). (ADA users aside, but the rest of us able-bodied, under-exercising, non-thrifty souls should seriously consider the alternative available in all buildings, namely the use of the stairs.) So both as an incentive to “shake your booty” and to reduce oPx, I propose the use of elevators that you have to pay to use. Simply insert quarters, dollar bills or swipe your debit/credit card and you get to ride. “Limit 13 passengers or two thousand pounds” as most elevator plaques read. Share the cost.
This genius idea could further reduce oPx by using PAY Go thermostats. Instead of the daily office struggle over who controls the temperature, this is easily resolved by whomever pays the most for the privilege! Heck, this would probably become a Revenue Center. And dare I say that even single-user men’s rooms could be PAY Go as well?  But we promise not to charge for washing your hands. Your mother would flip out.